Paul's Heart

Being Ghosted While Going Through Cancer (Or Any Other Time Of Need)

(photo courtesy of Netflix)

When we see the word “ghost”, we typically associate it with something scary, like other monsters, or situations like being haunted by the afterlife. But “ghost” took on a different meaning in the 21st century, and it is no longer about entertainment, but hurt, anger, and pain. Our culture has now assigned a new definition to the word “ghost,” suddenly ignore someone, cut off, or disappear. The act of ghosting is actually ironic, because ghosts do not hide or avoid presence, and the act of ghosting is just that, avoiding. Ghosts want to be present. Oh well, the irony.

So why do people ghost another, especially when support is needed the most? It could be a lack of understanding what the person being “ghosted” is going through. It could also be an overwhelming fear of witnessing something so horrible, not wanting the lifetime of memories that will come with that. For some, it is as selfish as not wanting that kind of negativity in their lives.

But wait, isn’t the person going through cancer, having to deal with the worst of it all? Friends, family, co-workers, can’t handle the fact that someone they know is dealing with cancer, yet they have the ability and make the decision to protect their feelings and just up and walk away? I will bet donuts to dollars there is not one cancer patient or survivor who would not have wanted the option of just walking away from it all, but we could not. We wanted to be cured, hear the word remission, live. And we wanted those who have been with us, in good times and bad, to be there for us, to help us when we struggled, to pick us up. I did not go through a selection process decades ago, who I felt would stand by me in my times of need. I had no idea who I could count on when I got my cancer news. In fact, it didn’t matter to me. And honestly, it was never a thought that those in my life would “ghost” me, because I had not dealt with any adversity in my life until I got told I had cancer. And then it happened.

One by one, everyone gave me the “aw, I’m so sorry”, and I believed they were all so sincere. For many, I would become the first person they personally knew that had cancer. If looking into their face was looking into a mirror, I could see the fear in their eyes. I hoped that they could not see the fear in my eyes. And then, they were gone. I was too busy puking, sleeping, going through treatments, resting, working, everything else, to notice people were disappearing from my life. I would reach out just to check in, touch base, “hey, it’s been a while, just thought I would catch up…”, an effort clearly not reciprocated, and not until my treatments ended did I realize what had happened, who was still there, and who was not.

Then came the anger, the hurt, the pain, the disappointment. And to this day, those that chose to bail on me back then, have not returned. But while I was the one going through treatments, I was the one facing something that could kill me, I was the one struggling, their “ghosting” me, had nothing to do with me. Their decision to distance themselves from me was all them. Their inability to stand by me was not my problem, and clearly back then, I did not need anything more to deal with.

Does it still hurt? Disappoint? Anger? Even after all of these years? Sure it does. But again, my acknowledgement that their inability to deal with adversity when someone close to them needs them the most, is a “they” problem, not a “me” problem. I know, and those who have stuck by me all of these years know, the only ghost I will be, will be the traditional ghost, with a purpose and some fun to be had, settling some scores and teaching some lessons.

This “ghosting” happens all of the time. They key is to recognize that it is not a you problem, or the fact that you are dealing with cancer or any other serious issue. Look around you to those who are still standing by your side because they are likely the ones who have always been there, and likely will.